Wednesday, June 25, 2008

anxiety




Today is the day. The day that I have been worried about, thinking about, concerned about and praying about. My stomach is in knots. I didn't sleep well last night as I thought about today. Am I ready?

Today is the day that Ivan goes in for his testing. This day has been looming in my mind for around a year now. And we have finally come to it. What will the doctor say about my Ivan. Have I failed him in some way? Have I not been hands on enough? Have I been to lazy? The guilt is huge.

So many words have been thrown around about Ivan: possibly autistic, ADD or ADHD, developmental delays, " his problems go way beyond speech" a spirited child. And now today is the day where everything begins. I am doubtful that we will get a clear and precise answer today, but hopefully some steps in the right direction.

Is there something going on with Ivan? Or is he a normal 3 year old who is the baby? Is there something more going on than just a few delays? Why won't my son make eye contact with me? Why does he run in circles? Why does he say, "it's all my fault" so much. Why does he have to have everything in perfect order to function? Why can I never know what to expect with him? Is he just being himself?

So many questions and so little answers. Am I ready to deal with the answer that I am given? Only time will tell.

I am sure I am not making any sense. I just need to get my thoughts out there. Prayers are appreciated for us today.

3 comments:

The Farr's said...

You are ALWAYS in my prayers and I will keep Ivan in them too! Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you!!

Mary said...

Oh Marie, I hope the testing went well today and that you got some answers. It must be scary to have to get the tests done, especially with Ben away. But maybe it will be a relief to have some answers, to put a name to what you have been concerned about, and to be able to have a plan of action to use with him to help him (and you) deal with, and work on whatever his issues might be. But no blaming yourself (is that even possible as a mom?)!

It would be intimidating to make that call for an evaluation since none of us want to hear that our kids might not be perfect - so I'm proud of you for being such a strong mom. Here's hoping for good news and helpful answers for you guys today.

(sorry so wordy)

Susan said...

I agree with Mary - it's so much better to know what (if anything) is wrong so that you have a clear plan for helping him. Just try to stay calm - everything will be okay!