Pre-K

( Right after I took this picture, the kids came to a drinking fountain. There was a stool in the way so all the kids walked around. Except for Ivan...he went right over and jumped off!


When Ivan's teacher, Ms. Allison moved last May, we had no idea what would be in store for Ivan. And once we moved him up to Anderson Elementary...we really had no idea! His IEP (Individualized Education Plan) called for at least 2 days in a regular pre-k and 2 days in his PSCD class. Also any therapies that he might need.

We talked to the principal & teachers and found out that Anderson does a full inclusion for their PSCD kids. What does that mean for Ivan? Morning pre-k (7:45-10:15) Monday thru Friday. He is in a regular ed class and his the pscd teacher comes into his class, to suppport the teachers and help them. So technically he has two teachers and one aide.

School starts early here and because we no longer live just up the hill...it means for an early wake up! I had to pull Ivan out of bed this first day, and his breakfast was a bag of cereal and cup of milk in the car!

He was so excited to be just like the big kids. No "special" class, and being able to go at the same time as the older kids.

I think that when your child is "special" the little things mean so much more. I got misty eyed as I watched him walk off with the other kids. My big man.

After I dropped him off, I headed to the commissary. IT WAS THE MOST QUIET TRIP I HAVE HAD IN A LONG TIME!! Mason slept the whole time. The store itself was very empty. I got everything done really fast. But as I was walking down and aisle I noticed that 2 birds were sitting on a shelf. Ivan loves to see the birds in the store. I started to say, "Ivan look" but realized that my little buddy wasn't there.

He's growing up. I will miss my little sidekick this year. My new sidekick is still all quiet and snuggly. Harmony thinks that she is closer to Ben because they are both the oldest.Ivan and I are both the 2nd to last children in families with 5 kids. Maybe that is why he just holds a special little place in my heart. Or maybe it is because through all the trials and struggles, we are still hanging in there. I don't know, but boy I love this kid!

"normal children"

I am a cry baby. I am. I cry at sappy commercials and romance movies. I cry when my kids do sweet things or I hear a song that reminds me of someone. I admit it. I can cry pretty darn easily. But these pregnancy hormones just make it a 1000 times worse!!

I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that Ivan will be 4 next Wednesday. Sigh, where has the time gone? I can't believe that he has been in our lives for such a little amount of time, because it seems like, it's been more than that.

Ivan is not "normal". Ivan never will be. But I love my little Jedi more than anything. And today, I had a Mommy moment that left me bawling and got me strange looks from the guards. So what is this moment you might be wondering? Well...

By the time my "normal children" were 4, they had been invited to plenty of birthday parties, had playdates and were invited over to other childrens houses. Not Ivan. Ivan doesn't have any friends. He doesn't. He has people that he recognizes, from school and church, but he doesn't have a friend. He doesn't want to play with other kids (except his siblings) he doesn't even necessarily know that other kids are there. He spends a lot of time off in his own Ivan centered universe. Which is fine. But at the same time, makes me very sad.

Today, as I was dropping him off at school, one of the Mom's stopped me and said, " I have an invitation for Ivan to go to my sons' birthday party." It wasn't an invitation to "all the Turner kids", it was for Ivan. Someone had looked past his traits & quirks and said, "we want him at this party". It honestly meant so much to me. I always just take it for granted that our other kids are invited to do things. But for someone to invite Ivan, just made my morning. I don't know if we will be able to go, but just knowing that he was invited. Sigh...I need some tissue.

Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam...or does he?

I really haven't talked about Ivan and his autism for a long time. Not that it is no longer relevant, it's just that we are...well...kind of in the swing of it all. We have been used to dealing with it. Life is far from perfect with him, but he has made strides. We continue to work with him. We try things, we fail at things, and life moves on. However, tomorrow marks a new chapter in his life.

I have been dreading this day for a long time. I really have. About a month ago we started talking to Ivan about going into Sunbeams and they day that he would no longer be in the nursery. He would just say, "I go nursery." The whole idea of another class didn't phase him.

Now that it is tomorrow I am so worried about him. We can't get him to sit still for anything. How is he going to sit during a whole sharing time? What is he going to do when he can't play with toys? Or have bubbles? Am I going to have to sit with him the whole time? Primary is kind of my break from him.

I am his teacher for tomorrow. We are re-organizing our primary and so I am subbing for tomorrow. I read the lesson and...there is no way that he is going to comprehend what it is about. The lesson says to show a picture of the moon, and ask who created it? Ivan doesn't know.

I am so apprehensive. Sometimes, and please don't hate me for saying this but, I just wish he was a normal kid. With normal problems. I am just an awful Mom. I don't want everyone to look at me, like why can't she just get him under control. Almost everyone in our Branch knows, but I don't want to use that as a crutch. OK

I am so rambling.

Life at the Turners

Oh my heart. Morning sickness has literally knocked me off of my feet. I wake up STARVING, but then after eating (so far it really hasn't mattered what it is) makes me so sick that I am laying down. Then I will start to feel better, only to get dizzy and sick and lay back down. I will force myself to do laundry or dishes or something, only to find myself, guess where? Back on the couch. I have had some good days, but unfortunatley I tend to get as much stuff done as I can, and by the evening am so worn out that I fall asleep...on the couch. Can you guess who my new best friend is? I am starting to feel a little like a hermit. I only get out when it is absolutely necessary. And even then, like at the NEX yesterday, I feel so sick before I get anything done, so I make no eye contact with anyone and just try to get through the store without throwing up in the aisle. Lovely. I forgot how bad morning sickness can really be. I forgot how much being preggo can take out of you. I forgot what it is like to take care of a baby on the inside, and 4 others on the outside. OK so this is the only time I have had 4 on the outside but you know what I mean!

***********************************************************************************

I have deep, deep concerns over the next couple of months. Why? Well the 3 olders have all been enrolled in basketball. So at this moment in time, this is what our weekly schedule looks like. Mondays- Cub Scout leader meetings and Girl Scouts. Tuesdays: basketball practice and than Harm and Ben are at the church for meetings and Achievement Days, Wednesdays: my cub scout den meetings Thursdays: Connor's cub scouts, basketball practice Friday: Family night, but also pack meetings,and other things scheduled for those days ( b-day parties, etc) Saturdays:basketball games and also the taking care of the home Sundays: There has been a rumor that I will have a new calling soon. Which means more work for me. Does that scare you? It does me!

*************************************************************************************
I have had a few people ask some baby questions so here is the 411 on that...I am a little over 2 months now. I am hoping and praying that the morning sickness will be gone by the end of next month (everyone feel free to pray for me also). I go in on the 9th to have my first ultra sound. Just to hear the heart beat and measure. I am looking forward to it very much. When the time comes, I will be finding out. I mean come on, I want to go shopping for a new baby!:) So far the vote is 6/6 in favor of having a girl. However, we will take what we get. I used the Chinese birth chart and it showed us having a boy. However when we plugged the info in for the other kids, it was wrong. So who knows right? We have a girl named all planned but no boy names. If it is a boy we will probably let the kids pick, although we may end up with Annakin or Indiana. :)

***********************************************************************************
In March, we will be meeting my parents in Hawaii!! I can't wait. I am excited to take the kids this time, even though it means a lot more work! I am anxious to see my parents. It will be so wonderful.

**********************************************************************************
And Ben surprised me with an early birthday gift. I know, really early. I haven't told anyone yet but...I get to go home!! The baby and I will be coming home for 2 weeks. He is going to pay for a commercial flight so that I can just get straight there and back. No trying to hop on Space A flights. I am looking forward to it. He will have the kids for 2 weeks on his own. I asked him if he wanted me to go in the summer so he doesn't have to worry about homework, GS, church activities, CS etc. But he said he would rather do that than try to entertain them all day every day!

*******************************************************************************

I know this post is getting way long but...Christmas was a crazy day for us. The kids were up at 6:03. We had to wake Ivan up to come down. He wasn't as excited as the older kids. They were of course spoiled rotten. The older kids just played with their toys. We had a little bit of crankiness but not too bad.

However this was the first Christmas that Ivan really knew what was going on. And let me tell you, he had a hard time with it. First of all, he was way tired. Second it was sensory overload. Third, kids with autism tend to hyper-focus on things. So he opened one of his gifts and didn't want anything else. It was a Lego set. Of course he wanted ben to put it together right that minute. Forget the fact that he had a pile of presents left to be opened. Forget the fact, that their were still presents under the tree waiting to be handed out. He would also hyper-focus onto the boys toys. Making it frustrating for them and for us. He had a rough time. Ben and I were trying to be patient on very little sleep, but didn't always work. I had been feeling bad that he has never had a friend birthday party, but now I don't. I don't plan on doing one for a while either. It's just too much for him. He fell asleep cuddled up with me that night. What can we say? It was a long day!

And there you go. The novel that is the happenings at our house.

Mama said there would be days like this...

While I felt very prepared to start a fresh week of school, Ivan apparently did not. It started with, " I no wear Queen backpack." and "I no wear shoes". I did finally manage to get him into the car (forgetting Connor's all about me poster in the process). We took the back route to the school and so I got screaming and crying because I didn't turn where he thought I was supposed too. We pull up to the school and, "no this not my school. This door is locked. I no go in." So I got to carry my 30+ pound child into his classroom. Where he refused to look at anyone, talk to anyone, put his folder away, or hang his back pack up. I finally just had to leave. I left my child on the floor of his classroom, fists in tight balls, not looking at anyone. The fetal position. Whenever something doesn't go his way, that is what he does. It leaves my stomach in knots...and my heart in pieces.

Two weeks ago...

It was exactly two weeks ago that I was piling all the kids in the car, to head out to Ivan's appt. To be honest...I still don't think I have quite come to terms with everything. The word autism is like a ticker that just keeps running through my mind. My child...with autism? No, no it can't be.

I have cried a lot of tears, I have read a lot of books, I have read a lot of websites. I have prayed. I have been researching. I keep saying the word over and over. I have told almost all my friends, as if saying the diagnosis out loud will finally make it feel real.

There is so much info out there that it is overwhelming. And there are times that I look at Ivan, and think no my child is normal. There is nothing wrong with him. And I will be brought back to reality. My reality. Every day with Ivan...is a completely different day. One day he will be fine with the transition from breakfast to getting dressed to running an errand. The next he will be in the corner, with his hands over his face, breathing heavy and avoiding everyone. One day, he will be fine with the McQueen cup the next day he won't. One day, he will respond to his name. The next he won't.

I feel like there is so much work left to be done.

I have had so many people ask me if there is anything they can do. The answer...so far anyway...is not really. You can let me talk, and not get frustrated if I cry, you can let me vent. If you find a good gluten free product, you can send it to us. ( I would be happy to reimburse). If you find a great book or article or story or video on autism you can send it to me. But most of all, what we really need is love, support and understanding. And we have already been given those three in abundance. And I am grateful for all of our family and friends who have stood by us. We love you!

**I realize that this probably doesn't make very much sense. Sorry, just getting my thoughts out!**

Ivan update

Phew. I made it through. Thank you for all the kind emails, and comments. The appt. went well and we have a diagnosis. Autism. Mild autism, but autism none the less. I feel very overwhelmed but also a sense of relief. At least I know what I am dealing with.

He was given a referral and will be able to go into the Child Find program at the school. He will have some therapies that we will have to do also. The road ahead is...well still unclear.

Knowledge is power. And I intend on doing a lot of research.