expectations...

In dealing with Ivan's autism/situation/diagnosis whatever you want to call it, there are things I expected to deal with. I knew we would have mountains to climb, but I also knew there would be valley's. With all the frustrations and upsets, that Ivan would have his good days, and he would learn and grow. But when I was reading in all the books, websites etc, there was one thing I didn't think about. I was so focused on Ivan...that I forgot how it affects my OTHER kids.

Harmony, being a typical oldest child, can be pretty bossy. Well last night, the kids had put a huge bucket of legos on my bed and were busy playing. I told them all the legos had to be picked up before bed and I wouldn't help. So they had finished, when Ivan came in, and dumped them out. Harmony was screaming. "I am so tired of him doing things like that." I asked them to please re-pick them up, and I had Ivan help pick up toys downstairs and tried to keep him away from them. Then he went in and got into her polly pockets. " Can't we just put Ivan outside like we do to Astro?" she asked.

I went in and talked to her. Talked to her about how special Ivan is. How he doesn't understand things the way she does. That his thought process is not like hers. I tried to explain to her, and she agreed that it would be difficult to try to get through life like he does. I told her that Heavenly Father sent Ivan to us, because we are the right family to make him feel loved and take care of him." I just wish we could get a break from him. It's not fair. It's like everything we do is focused on Ivan, Ivan, Ivan. Ethan and Connor and I have to do everything. It's not fair." And I told her no it isn't fair. I tried to put myself in her shoes and really listen to what she was saying. I promised that I would try. I would try to get them time away, but the fact is that we are a family. We stick together.

I don't know what to do. I have a hard enough time dealing with Ivan, let alone everything else that goes along with it.

"If you know one child with autism...

then you know one child with autsim." I have had quite a few people ask me lately, how Ivan is doing. The fact is, every day with Ivan is a completely different day.

When we got home from Hawaii, he ran into my arms and let me hold him. He talked and talked. I loved listening to him actually talk to me. Not just recite something, or repeat back. But talking. His behavior was very good, unlike the older ones. It was amazing. And I got this glimpse of what life could be like.

This week has been a completely different story. He went in to the clinic to get a ppd and flipped out when a girl sat in his chair. He ran circles at the school and refused to leave. He is throwing everything. He is hitting. He is very rough with Astro. He keeps trying to take off to go to the park. He threw a fit today when we took him to the clinic to have his ppd checked again. He didn't want to go back to the exam room. Then he threw a fit when they didn't. Then it was a fit about going back to the school. Only to go in and run circles again. Then it was a fit about going to the commissary. I took him to the movies, he usually does well, he threw a fit the whole time. Running in the aisles, taking the other kids' snacks, screaming.

The pictures from above are of our family night on Monday. We took Astro out to the dog park on base. Ivan spent the first little while with his face pressed up against the fence. Not looking at us. Not playing with us.

I am exaughsted at night after dealing with him. It is a daily struggle. But then he says something to me, that makes my day. Like, " we need get batties for the wii. Thas so awesome." Yeah he said awesome. The other day we drove past Navfac and he says, "Daddy thats where you work". I love hearing him talk like a big boy.

The gluten free diet...thank you so much to all who have sent us food. He definatley has things he likes and ones that he doesn't. So far it is hit and miss with what he will eat. I am trying to introduce him to different things, but if he won't eat it, I don't force it.

As for school, he has a home visit during the first week of school. Then he will go in and he will get an evaluation and his IEP. From there they will determine how much help he needs. It also determines the amount of time he is in school. It made me cry when I over heard a secratary (not a special ed teacher) say that the spec ed teacher would have her hands full, after watching me try to get him out of the school.I regret that I didn't say anything to her, but next time I will. I read about a lady who has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "My child has autism, what the hell is the matter with yours?"(Sorry for the language, it was a direct quote.) But I have decided I need one and will just tatoo it to my forehead.

I have gone on and on. This topic is so...touchy. For lack of a better word. Every day is different,and we just keep on keeping on.