Sunday, August 31, 2008

expectations...


In dealing with Ivan's autism/situation/diagnosis whatever you want to call it, there are things I expected to deal with. I knew we would have mountains to climb, but I also knew there would be valley's. With all the frustrations and upsets, that Ivan would have his good days, and he would learn and grow. But when I was reading in all the books, websites etc, there was one thing I didn't think about. I was so focused on Ivan...that I forgot how it affects my OTHER kids.

Harmony, being a typical oldest child, can be pretty bossy. Well last night, the kids had put a huge bucket of legos on my bed and were busy playing. I told them all the legos had to be picked up before bed and I wouldn't help. So they had finished, when Ivan came in, and dumped them out. Harmony was screaming. "I am so tired of him doing things like that." I asked them to please re-pick them up, and I had Ivan help pick up toys downstairs and tried to keep him away from them. Then he went in and got into her polly pockets. " Can't we just put Ivan outside like we do to Astro?" she asked.

I went in and talked to her. Talked to her about how special Ivan is. How he doesn't understand things the way she does. That his thought process is not like hers. I tried to explain to her, and she agreed that it would be difficult to try to get through life like he does. I told her that Heavenly Father sent Ivan to us, because we are the right family to make him feel loved and take care of him." I just wish we could get a break from him. It's not fair. It's like everything we do is focused on Ivan, Ivan, Ivan. Ethan and Connor and I have to do everything. It's not fair." And I told her no it isn't fair. I tried to put myself in her shoes and really listen to what she was saying. I promised that I would try. I would try to get them time away, but the fact is that we are a family. We stick together.

I don't know what to do. I have a hard enough time dealing with Ivan, let alone everything else that goes along with it.

7 comments:

Avis La Fin said...

Dear Marie,
You're doing fine. The other kids will resent Ivan because, at Harmony's age, they feel picked on ALL THE TIME. Picking up a few Legos is nothing compared to what's to come for all of you. Ivan is Ivan, and everyone will just have to learn to accept that. You're doing the very best that you can, and you can only put out the fires until the other kids mature enough to accept Ivan's idiosyncrasies. Don't be hard on yourself!! Love You, Mom

Navylangs said...

I know exactly where you're coming from. . . . and honestly it weighs heavy.
I don't think it solves anything - but I have bought a couple of books for Madi. My 2 favorites have been:
Rules - by Cynthia Lord (more for Harmony's age) and
Sometimes My Brother by Angie Healy for the younger guys.

The Anglesey Family said...

Marie-
Your situation is very common. I cannot tell you how many parents I spoke with as a SPED teacher who were in your shoes. However, I think you're handling everything wonderfully Marie....Especially since you're actively talking to your children about Ivan's special needs. You;re a great mom and I wish I would have worked with more mothers like you!

Cindy said...

I think you're doing great and honestly, from a mom who's done the pre-teen girl "attitude" if it wasn't Ivan, it would be something else! I know that Ivan's situation makes it more difficult, but the other kids will learn to be more understanding. But really, with Harmony, you'd be dealing with that with or without Ivan special needs.

Hang in there, hon, I'm praying for ya and thinking about you often!

becky said...

I bet it can be so frustrating. I know nothing of what you are going though. I don't have a pre teen (thank goodness) And so far I have not run into any health/developmental prob. But my theory is you know you are a good mom if you feel guilty. I don't know why as moms we worry so much and feel guilty about it all but you are awesome and you are a great mom. Hang in there.

becky said...

How is Ivan liking school?

Marie said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. It is so frustrating right now. I will add that the other day, Harmony had a complete fit about the shirt I made her wear to achievment days. So I think a lot is the "pre-teen drama". I don't want to ignore her feelings but...

Becky-Ivan loves it. Some days he doesn't want to go, but once he gets there he is so happy. I go in to pick him up 5 minutes early so I can hide and watch him interact. It is so cute! Thanks for asking about him!