Monday, February 19, 2007

5 years ago...

I am a scrapbooker. I take photos of every activity my kids are involved in. I have albums and albums filled with our lives. Everything from holidays, to field trips, deployments, graduations, to birthdays and everything in between. All of the stories are important. But one has remained unwritten. Why? Because I can't find the words. I have never been able to sit down and write Connor's birth story. And it makes me feel sad and it makes me feel guilty, but how do I tell him? How do I tell him that with every other one of his siblings, I smiled and cried tears of joy., when I found out. And with him I sobbed. I didn't want him. Not then. I had just had a baby. I didn't want another one. I was going to wait 2 years. I remember the day vividly...( I will try to keep the first part a G rating)

Ben and I had been worried that I might be pregnant. I was "late". I didn't want to even think that after one time, of not using protection that I could be pregnant. Well one day I put Harmony and Ethan down for naps, and went to the store. I asked Ben if he wanted anything or needed anything and he said, " yes I want you to get a pregnancy test." Now, you have to understand something here. Ben thinks that pregnancy tests are a waste of money because " eventually you are going to find out the answer". So I headed to the store and it was the last thing I put in the cart. And as I was standing in the aisle, it hit me. And I knew. I came home and took the test and left it on the counter. Knowing full well what the answer was. Ethan had woken up, I went in, got him out and held him and cried. Ben came in with the test and I started bawling. Cradling Ethan and crying. Ben tried to put his arm around me and I told him how much I hated him and not to touch me. I was scared, angry, nervous. Every emotion wrapped into one.

For the 8 months that I was pregnant, I wasn't excited. It wasn't like the other 2 times, where I had planned and plotted and shopped and got ready. When we found out it was another boy, I didn't even have a name picked out.

Feb. 19th, 2002 I woke up early. Ben and I were going to be going home that weekend and celebrating his birthday there. So I hadn't planned anything for him, but decided to go get some doughnuts. I came home and ate one and I just remember feeling really full. All day long I was tired. I tried to eat, but just wasn't hungry. I remember making Ben put Harm's shoes on because I couldn't reach over. That night, we were watching 24. I was so uncomfortable as I laid on the couch. Finally at a quarter to 10 I went up to go to bed. As I tried to sleep I realized, every 15 minutes my stomach would harden. No pain. Just harden. I called Ben upstairs, and he watched the clock. They were now about 10 minutes apart. I told him there was no way that I could be in labor, it was a month early. He went to get the number for the nurse, and I went in to go to the bathroom. Blood. The nurse told him to get me to the hospital ASAP. My nieghbor took the monitor and listened for Harmony and Ethan. We drove as fast as we could. When we got there, the dr. said, " the reason you are bleeding is because you are dialated to a 7". Labor was fast and furious and I was scared. This was too early. Finally, she said, " you can either breathe through the next few contractions or you can push and he will be here." I opted to push. The whole process took 45 minutes. When he was born his cord was wrapped around his neck and he wasn't breathing on his own. They gave him to me for a split second and rushed him off to the NICU. I told Ben to go with him as the nurses were cleaning me up. The night seemed to last forever. I couldn't sleep. I was worried about Connor, worried that Harm and Ethan would wake up and I wouldn't be there, worried about Ben. I called my Mom and she said she would be there in the morning. 5 am came and Ben headed home to be with Harmony and Ethan until our Moms came. A nurse poked her head in and asked if I would like to see Connor. Here was my little man, hooked up to so many tubes, in a little incubator. Guilt washed over me for all the bad feelings I had had. I prayed just please let him be ok. I picked him up and fed him and snuggled his little body. The nurses told me how sweet he had been all night. When I finally put him down, I went to my room and crashed.

He stayed in the hospital for a little less than a week. When he came home he was jaundiced but when we took him in again, he was fine.

I honestly think that the Lord knew I needed some help, because he blessed me with the sweetest & easiest baby. Connor was so easy to love and take care of. do I tell him? How do I tell him that he changed my life. That he wasn't wanted, but that I couldn't have lived with out him. He is so sweet, caring, fun, loving, funny, smart. Our lives just wouldn't be the same. Happy Birthday Connor, I am so glad that you are here.

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