Memories

So two things happened today(other than the Ivan thing in the post below). I caught up with an old roommate of mine from Ricks!!! Oh how I love facebook! :) And I checked out her blog, and she had this video. Which brought back another memory for me.


Right before we left Norfolk, I was able to go to a Time Out For Women with a group of friends. It was a fabulous weekend of good friends, good food, good girl talk, inspiration and more. But one thing that had me laughing so hard, was when Hillary Weeks sang this song. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!!

"normal children"

I am a cry baby. I am. I cry at sappy commercials and romance movies. I cry when my kids do sweet things or I hear a song that reminds me of someone. I admit it. I can cry pretty darn easily. But these pregnancy hormones just make it a 1000 times worse!!

I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that Ivan will be 4 next Wednesday. Sigh, where has the time gone? I can't believe that he has been in our lives for such a little amount of time, because it seems like, it's been more than that.

Ivan is not "normal". Ivan never will be. But I love my little Jedi more than anything. And today, I had a Mommy moment that left me bawling and got me strange looks from the guards. So what is this moment you might be wondering? Well...

By the time my "normal children" were 4, they had been invited to plenty of birthday parties, had playdates and were invited over to other childrens houses. Not Ivan. Ivan doesn't have any friends. He doesn't. He has people that he recognizes, from school and church, but he doesn't have a friend. He doesn't want to play with other kids (except his siblings) he doesn't even necessarily know that other kids are there. He spends a lot of time off in his own Ivan centered universe. Which is fine. But at the same time, makes me very sad.

Today, as I was dropping him off at school, one of the Mom's stopped me and said, " I have an invitation for Ivan to go to my sons' birthday party." It wasn't an invitation to "all the Turner kids", it was for Ivan. Someone had looked past his traits & quirks and said, "we want him at this party". It honestly meant so much to me. I always just take it for granted that our other kids are invited to do things. But for someone to invite Ivan, just made my morning. I don't know if we will be able to go, but just knowing that he was invited. Sigh...I need some tissue.

just so you know

It is 1:11 in the afternoon and I have

**dinner rolls rising on the counter

**pulled bbq chicken in the crockpot ( this is just for me. I had leftover chicken and wanted to use it up. Ben is not the biggest fan of it so I will just munch on it and put leftovers in the freezer.

**a meatloaf all prepared and sitting in the fridge waiting to be cooked

Not to mention that the dishwasher, washer,and dryer are all going. Plus I am looking up a Paula Deen recipe to make as a treat for dinner. Although Ivan just told me, " I just don't like treats". So far, I am doing pretty well! I think it's time for a little nap! :)

112

That is how many pictures I took of our short camping trip. I don't know what it is about kids and being outdoors. It just makes me want to take lots of pictures. Maybe it is the good light,or that the kids just seem to be in their element. Whatever it is, I like it. So here are just a few of my favorites!

Our long & disgusting weekend

(This picture has nothing to do with this post. I just thought it was cute!

I was praying that Connor had just eaten something that didn't agree with him. That nothing would pass to the kids or to Ben and I. Oh I was wrong. So very wrong.

Friday afternoon we headed off to go camping. Connor had stopped throwing up by this point, so we let him come on a trial run. If he threw up we would take him straight home. He didn't. We enjoyed a fun night. The kids running around like crazy, cooking over a fire, camp fire songs, smores and a night hike to find frogs and hermit crabs.

My biggest concern was being too hot and yes, I got way too hot. I was miserable in fact. I crept home early in the morning to take a shower and had to try really hard not to climb in bed and sleep!

Saturday morning Ben cleaned up the camp site while I walked around with my wolves, attending their different stations. It was hot outside and both Harmony and Ben had started saying that they didn't feel well. We got home, unloaded the car and that was about it. The throwing up had begun.

A little later our friends dropped Ivan off. He had been home maybe 30 minutes, when he too started. It was awful. So awful. Ethan and Connor and I were the only ones feeling well so we hurried to rent some movies,and pick up lots and lots of gatorade.

Sunday morning around 3am, it was mine and Ethan's turn. What fun.

I started to feel fine and so went to bed nice and early. I was so worn out that I didn't realize Ivan was sleeping in my bed with me!! But then he woke up at 3 this morning.

Lots of fun let me tell you. I am just praying that it is over. Knock on wood!

mommy guilt

(watching a magic trick with friend Alex)
(big buddies)
(Listening to his Den mother Miss Nika)
(checking out a magic trick with his friend Mason)
********UPDATE****************************

The throw up is still coming. He is currently sobbing because he is unable to go. :(


When I was pregnant with Harmony, people would tell me all about the good things of being a Mom. Lots of love, hugs, fun moments etc. They also told me about the bad, lots of diaper changes, spit up,breaking up fights with siblings etc. But what no one ever really told me about was...Mommy Guilt. And I suffer my fair share as I am sure most of you do. Let me go back just a little...

Connor and Ethan both wanted to start scouts this year. We did this through the base. Connor had a den leader, Ethan did not. Because of major Mommy Guilt, I said that I would be Ethan's leader. Well, the only way that I could possibly do it, was to have the boys have scouts on the same night. Which basically means, Connor's den leader is his surrogate mother at all Tiger den meetings. Now let me just say here that I couldn't have picked a better surrogate mother. She adores Connor and spoils him ROTTEN.

However, Connor was starting to feel upset that I had not been to any of his meetings.Major Mommy Guilt. So the other night, I finally had the opportunity to go. Just me and Connor. He talked my ear off as we rode to the beach. I loved it. We got to spend some fun quality time together.(All the pics were taken that night) That night, he was picked as the assistant for the month of February. So I am in the process of moving things around so I can be there. Guilt was starting to reside. Until...

In October (?) there was an announcement that all the dens would be going on a camping trip this weekend. Our cub master's daughter, is one of Harmony's really good friends. So they made plans to share a tent. The boys have been dreaming about this day. New tents have been bought, new camp chairs, all the food, batteries for flash lights, a babysitter for Ivan. All was going well until midnight last night....

"Mommy, I threw up all over my bed." I took Connor downstairs got him cleaned up and settled on the couch. I couldn't clean his stuff up because Ethan (amazingly) was still asleep. He cuddled with me until about 2 when we he finally nodded off. Around 3, another round. Got him cleaned up, and finally he crashed. So around 4 I go get in my bed and lie awake trying to think of what I am going to do. Do I let him go camping tonight? Or do I make him miss it? He told Ben, " I promise to get better for camping." So now I get the guilt. If I let him go, and he gets sick, than I feel guilty because I should of made him stay home. If I make him stay home, I feel guilty because he misses out on a trip that he really wanted to go on.The scouts have a rule that boys are only allowed to stay with family, no friends sharing tents. So if I don't take Connor, Harmony and Ethan don't go either. If I don't go, I have to find someone to take over for me as den leader for the wolves. Guilt, guilt and more guilt. It's not fair. Why can't someone else make these decisions?! Why does it always fall to the Mom? I'll let you know how it turns out...

Randomness

**Ben told me that he hasn't been checking my blog because I haven't been updating it! The nerve!

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We were watching Prince Caspian for family movie night when Ethan said, "that is so unfair! They have so many more people than the Narnians!"

Harmony pipes up with, " well Ethan it is war. And war isn't fair for anyone." Hmmm

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So my clothes are starting to feel tight-ish. I have been known to be in pj/sweat/elastic waist pants by oh say...noon. Today I went to K-Mart to see if I could find something. And as I was browsing, I saw two shirts that made me want to gag. First one said, " Don't worry, it's not yours" and the second one said, "I'm all knocked up and I have no where to go." Hello, just because you are pregnant does not mean that you have lost your dignity.
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Ivan is on my last nerve. And I have a seriously bad head cold. Will there ever come a time that I feel normal? I am thinking not for like another 7-8 months!

Soap

(Doesn't she look so sweet and innocent in the quilt that Grandma Kennedy made for her?)
It was bound to happen. After months and months of dealing with a smart mouth, back talk, and being rude to her brothers, it finally happened. I am still kind of shocked that I did it. But I am also kind of shocked I didn't do it sooner. I washed my daughters mouth out with soap. She knew what was coming and so she would turn her head and try to get away. I did get some in though. After much screaming and crying and telling me her mouth tasted awful ( to which I replied I hope you remember that taste every time you want to say rude/mean/obnoxious things) the girl crashed. She slept for a good couple of hours. So it was obviously very traumatic for her. I can't wait for the teenage years let me tell yah!

Life at 100 mph

Literally that is how it feels! Our family continues on at a break-neck pace. Will it ever end? I doubt it! Here is what we have been up too for those who may have missed us!

**Basketball, basketball and more basketball. We signed the kids up for the season and than it was changed to a clinic. And I am pretty darn happy about that! As is, we are at the gym M,W,F from 5-7. The boys are in one age bracket and Harm in the other. Sometimes Ben stays and sometimes I do. Sometimes we all do. It has not been easy for Ivan! The kids love it though. They were very scared to try it but once they got in their they had a great time. Oh and might I just add that the gym is my least favorite place to take pictures!

**Cubscouts is back in full swing. Except go me, I didn't realize that my den is almost completely done. It has been nice to be able to relax a little on that! Although we have a big camping trip next week.The boys are verrrry excited. Me, hmmm it's still like 88 degrees at night, with mosquitos, the bathrooms are pretty far away...well it will be worth it to have the boys happy, right? Right?

** Appointments. Last Friday I went in and was able to get my first ultrasound. This one was just to check the baby's size, how many there were (phew only 1) and to make sure everything was ok. And it was! I have the first picture of our baby. We showed it to the kids but they were very unsure about what it was. I pointed the arms, legs and head out to them but they still weren't sure it was a baby in there!

**School. Back to school has been both good and bad. The kids seemed to forget about getting their uniform ready the night before, packing lunches, going to bed early, being responsible about bringing your homework home etc. It has been pure joy, let me tell you. Ivan has had the hardest time going back. Lots of tantrums,screaming, and aggression. We are going to have him meet with his pediatrician and the developmental pediatrician ( the one who diagnosed him) to see what all we can do for him. We are worried about our little man and hope to get a few answers.

Well that is all I am going to bore you with for now.

note to self

**No matter how much you want the house to get cleaned, it won't do it by itself.

**Please remember that you need to get cheese and corn chips for the chili lunch tomorrow.

**You have not had enough water today. Keep drinkin'!

**Change is coming. It is coming very soon, so be prepared.

**Ivan just dumped out a basket of folded laundry

**The kids will be home from school soon. Harmony and Connor are not allowed to play video games after school.

** You still need to write your Christmas thank you's.

**You need to seriously update your calender. It's not as blank as it looks.

** You need to find a ride for Connor to go to Cub Scouts tomorrow.

** You need to finalize what you will be doing for Cub scouts tomorrow.

**The a/c at the Exchange is broken. Don't go in if it is not absolutely necessary.

** Remember extra batteries for basketball pictures tonight.

**Get off the computer and start your to do list. Now!

** Oh and Ivan is now jumping on your laundry basket...and he's poopy.

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I am lacking in motivation lately. Seriously. I am going to say something ***knock on wood*** I do not want to jinx this but I have not been sick for almost a week now! Wahoo! I don't know whether it is a mix of being further along, unisom at night, little meals through out the day, fire balls, whatever it is, I am doing very well. Now I am just still dealing with the being tired part. I swear I can't find any motivation to clean house...and you can tell! :) I really did not do much today,and I just keep thinking of all those things "I should have done". Oh well. Instead I thought I would share this little funny thing that Connor did. He had to write sentences using his sight words. So one of the words was "an". His sentence?

"An I don't want that thang." I totally cracked up. Made him change it, of course. But it was too cute!

Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam...or does he?

I really haven't talked about Ivan and his autism for a long time. Not that it is no longer relevant, it's just that we are...well...kind of in the swing of it all. We have been used to dealing with it. Life is far from perfect with him, but he has made strides. We continue to work with him. We try things, we fail at things, and life moves on. However, tomorrow marks a new chapter in his life.

I have been dreading this day for a long time. I really have. About a month ago we started talking to Ivan about going into Sunbeams and they day that he would no longer be in the nursery. He would just say, "I go nursery." The whole idea of another class didn't phase him.

Now that it is tomorrow I am so worried about him. We can't get him to sit still for anything. How is he going to sit during a whole sharing time? What is he going to do when he can't play with toys? Or have bubbles? Am I going to have to sit with him the whole time? Primary is kind of my break from him.

I am his teacher for tomorrow. We are re-organizing our primary and so I am subbing for tomorrow. I read the lesson and...there is no way that he is going to comprehend what it is about. The lesson says to show a picture of the moon, and ask who created it? Ivan doesn't know.

I am so apprehensive. Sometimes, and please don't hate me for saying this but, I just wish he was a normal kid. With normal problems. I am just an awful Mom. I don't want everyone to look at me, like why can't she just get him under control. Almost everyone in our Branch knows, but I don't want to use that as a crutch. OK

I am so rambling.