confidence

OK, so today we head to the gym. It has been since Friday. I know...terrible. But we have been busy! Anyway... I was kind of concerned with how long I could go considering it has been 4 days between runs. So I have my headphones on, totally ignoring Dr. Phil which is what I usually listen to, and zone out. After about 15 minutes I am feeling tired. Then what happens? This woman who frankly was very large, got on a treadmill in front of me. Now call me a bad, horrible person but I was like well at least I am not that BAD. I know I am terrible. But I was trying to boost myself up some how! So I finish my run and go get on the exercise bike. After about a good 5 min. I am red faced, dripping sweat, disgusting. And oh the irony...a woman gets on next to me. She is maybe a size zero, soaking wet, and gets on and totally kicks tail. Yeah I am feeling like the biggest person in the room next to her. Then of course I felt bad because how mean was I to judge that other lady. Although she did tick me off later but that is a whole other story....So long story short, I felt good about myself because I wasn't as big as another lady, and then felt terrible because I was an elephant compared to the other. Now this is a trait that I DO NOT want to pass onto Harm. This lack of self-esteem. It is a mood killer let me tell you. I think that is why I only have one girl...

Then Harm and Vale are watching High School Musical (again!) although they totally have me loving the music now! The very last song on the movie is their favorite and even Ethan gets up to dance. When Harmony declares, " I will just watch from the couch because I can't sing as well as they can." Seriously almost started bawling. She is my girl, she can do whatever the heck she wants too. I told her, it doesn't matter how she sounds as long as she enjoys it. Eventually she got up but it seriously broke my heart. Because I want her to have self esteem. Life is so unfair sometimes. I want her to just be glowing with self confidence but how do I teach her that when I don't have it. Yeah seriously unfair. Now of course I want the boys to be confident but for some reason I don't think it effects boys like it does girls. Maybe that is because I am a girl and I don't know. Anyway...heart broken. :(